Stefan's diary
by Sekhmet49
Summary: Or how a document meant to stay private can change everything... Season 1, after Lexi's death


"_Diary's entry"_

My apologies if there are mistakes, as English is not my mother tongue. Fell free to point them out for me!

Disclaimer: VD and its characters belong to their respective owners.

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><p><em><strong>A Diary's Role:<strong>_

**Stefan POV:  
><strong>

He couldn't believe it. Just a few moments ago, she was giving advice to Elena about their relationship and the next he was watching her being staked by his brother.

She had come for him, to celebrate his birthday, and his own brother was killing her, the only real friend he ever had in all his existence.

It was his fault, Elena was right to want to stay away from him; he brought pain, misery and death everywhere in his wake. It hurt so much, to lose someone he cared about; he would like to not care about people but he couldn't, the same way that he wanted to hate his brother for everything he did to him, but instead of that, it only hurt more.

And here he was, standing still in his room after plunging a stake in his brother's body, and apart from the deep anger and sadness consuming him, all he could feel was guilt. Guilt because he couldn't save Lexi, because he put Elena in danger despite his love for her, and guilt because he just hurt his brother.

He shouldn't feel anything else than satisfaction for this last point; why couldn't he give up the foolish hope that his older brother, the who took care of him as a child, would come back?

All he wanted was to forget for a while the complete chaos his life had been for years, which is why he took a full bottle of Bourbon, sat up at his desk and proceeded to drink his misery away while writing his emotions in the hope it would alleviate his heart.

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><p><strong>Damon POV:<strong>

It had been a complete surprise to be bested by his weak little brother. Who knew his emotions could give him so much strength?

All right, sarcasm apart, being staked was not agreeable at all, especially since he killed Lexi as a way to evade suspicions about them! His foolish little brother could at least be thankful, but no, he had to play all this drama.

Speaking of which, he didn't hear him get out of the house, maybe a little word battle with his emotional sibling would be a good idea, hm…?  
>He would never admit it to anyone let alone himself, but he was worried of what Stefan would do in his state of mind…<p>

However, he was not prepared to find a passed out Stefan on his desk, the pen still opened to write in his diary. Nonetheless, he was feeling quite merciful today, seeing he did stake his friend and all, so he took his brother in his arms and placed him on the bed, not really gently actually, nope, not at all.

Although he just had a rare moment of kindness toward his brother, he couldn't resist knowing what was written in this mysterious diary! Thus he began reading a piece of his brother's intimate thoughts which would change his perspective forever, not that he was aware of this. 

"_Today certainly can be added to the list (rather short list compared to my life) of the worst days of my life, along with the day Damon went to war when we were teenagers, and the day he swore an eternity of misery to me_ – why on earth would this be Stefan's worst memories? He hated him too, didn't he?

_Although I know Damon hates me for the whole Katherine fiasco and his being transformed in a vampire, I still hoped that he could at least let me have a few moments of happiness in this cursed existence. Well, as Damon would say, I was definitely a naïve little thing wasn't I? _

_Yet I can't believe he staked Lexi. She was the one to take care of me, to teach me our ways, to support me through this transformation; she was my only friend, my best friend, my sister, altogether. Here I could even dare to admit considering her like a mother, I never knew mine and Damon certainly would have never talked about her, which I know is because he blames me for her death, but I didn't ask to be born this way, did I? I would have liked too to get to know my mother, to not be the embodiment of bad memories for both my father and my brother, though the first's opinion of me has always been ridiculously underrated compared to what my older brother thought. Damon had always been my whole world, I literally worshipped him, and had never been so scared than when he went to war, so afraid I was to never see him again._

_Back to the matter at hand, Lexi was the only mother figure I ever had in my whole life, and my own brother killed her. How is it that my life is so messed up, why can't I have the rare people I care about? Just for a little while, I would have liked to have the only three people I have ever loved: Elena, Lexi and of course Damon_ – he loves me…? With everything I made him go through?

_But now, it will never happen, not that there was much hope to begin with. Lexi is… dead, Elena is far better away from me, and Damon hates me with every fiber of his being. Moreover Katherine is going to be back with the awful mess she creates everywhere she goes. I remember when we were young, one day Damon was complaining I was too easy, too nice with people, that I could never hate anyone. Well, that was before Katherine Pierce, I REALLY hate her. Of course there was the fact she made me love her, turned me against my will, all thanks to her damn compulsions_ – what? Stefan didn't want to be with her, or to turn? What the hell?

_But the reason why I despise her is she took Damon from me. In a short time, she destroyed all our history, our promises to each other. I don't think anything hurt more than learning Damon was WILLINGLY giving his life for her. I was only seventeen and still convinced my big brother's word was law. He had promised to always be there for me, to take care of me, and he was giving it up for her, while letting her compel me for her biddings. I'm not yet sure if I want to know the truth: did he let her do it or did ignore the strangeness of my behavior? Seriously, I had NEVER ignored him or tried to best him in any way convinced that I was it was impossible for me. How could he think I acted like that willingly, I'll never know I suppose…_

_Now that Lexi is dead I'm completely alone. I suppose all the humans will think I'm broodier than usual, but the truth is I never liked to be alone; in fact I'm terrified by it. And now the last willing person to understand me, who really knew me, is dead. Damon doesn't really count anymore seeing he promised me "an eternity of misery". Maybe I should give him a distinction; it seems he has achieved his goal._

_Perhaps he could leave me alone now? Who am I kidding, even if he makes my life hell, it's better than not seeing him. I love him so much, why…"_

Here ended the entry with a smudge of ink, probably because Stefan passed out due to his drunken state.

His head was spinning with all the information he had just learned. Let's proceed in order…

He didn't know Lexi was so important to him, he thought she was just a friend, although if he had taken a second to think about it, he would have realized Stefan never made things half-way; anyway, he would have probably still gone with his plan as ha was a bit jealous from Lexi, she took his place in Stefan's life, although if what he just read is true that is not the case at all.

Next, Katherine. Taking the time to review all the memories of this period made him see that he had been truly blind all along, how could he have thought a mere infatuation with a woman could made Stefan ignore him. In fact, it's kind of suspicious, he remembers taking his little brother affection for him for granted, so how did he come to accept this change of attitude…? It was looking more and more like Stefan had not been the only one compelled….  
>How dare she? This little bitch! She made him forget how important his little brother was! Well, he just had to repair what he destroyed, didn't he? Okay, after tonight's events it's not going to be easy…<p>

His little brother loved him, strangely, after everything he did to him the thought still warmed his heart…

His musings were interrupted by the sound of tossing on the bed, he could see Stefan agitated among his sheets, and with the recent revelations he decided it was as a good moment as any to begin to work on his new goals.

He approached the bed, watched his brother for a moment but didn't have the time to do anything as the latter woke up suddenly gasping for an unneeded breath. In the next moment he could have sworn if his heart was still beating, it would have been broken in two. Stefan saw him and his eyes were filled with so much despair, sadness and even fear before being masked by his usual broodiness. He never realized Stefan was such a good actor…

He sat on the bed, has the displeasure to watch his little brother scoot away from him.

He sighed then said: "What have I done to us little brother?"  
>Seeing Stefan's face, it would obviously take a lot of work to convince him it was not another evil plot, he was the picture of confusion, suspicion, hope and despair. <p>

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><p><strong>Stefan POV:<strong>

His wake up was not any better than his sleep filled with nightmares, and once more he cursed the inability for vampires to become really drunk.

Just when he thought it couldn't go any worse, he saw his brother standing next to his bed looking at him like he never saw him before. He took care to put his mask up again before meeting Damon's gaze again.  
>Damon sighed then said: "What have I done to us little brother?"<p>

All right, he was sure his face was the picture of confusion, he didn't understand at all.

"What are you talking about?"

Damon smirked – at least it seems it was really him – before sobering up quickly.  
>"Well, there was the time you would never have scooted away from me. "<br>He paused a moment, then: "I have one question for you Stefan, I'd like you to answer truthfully and you can be angry at me after that, ok?"  
>Stefan thought about it a moment but couldn't find anything against that, especially since he was too weak to stop his brother anyway, so he acquiesced.<p>

"In your last entry in your diary, is everything true?"

What? His diary, he couldn't really remember what said the last entry precisely, but well, the question was not hard. "Of course it was true; I do not lie in my own diary Damon, which you shouldn't have read in the first place by the way."  
>His brother was producing the strangest expressions lately, right now he was showing indecision, worry, regret, emotions I was sure my brother had completely forgotten a while ago. Then amusement began to appear in his eyes.<br>"You don't remember what you wrote don't you?"  
>"Um… no…"<br>"Come on baby brother, you always had an amazing memory to put a computer to shame, make it work would you?"  
>Amazing memory? Baby brother? What was happening, a compliment AND an childhood nickname in the same sentence from my brother?<br>"What the hell is going on Damon? Scratch that, who are you and what have you done with the Damon I know?"  
>Damon appeared way too amused for his tastes, but apparently decided to have mercy on him and passed him his diary so he could read the infamous entry. Once done, he didn't know what to do, what to say. All his feelings came crashing down back to the point of panicking. Would Damon hate him even more? Would he leave? Would he ever see him again?<p>

Just then he felt himself being engulfed in a hug so very tight he was sure being human he would have broken.  
>"Shh Stef, don't freak out baby brother. I'm sorry for all the harm I've done to you, to us. Everything is going to be all right…"<br>He continued to hear a string of soothing words from his brother, little by little he relaxed in his hold and began to appreciate the feel of his big brother's arms around him, his smell surrounding him. Unfortunately after a short time Damon stopped.

"Look at me Stef." Once he gave his brother attention, he continued.  
>"We need to talk about some things I've read in there, about Katherine and about us, but for now, just rest okay? I promise you it's not a trick; I really do want to repair things between us. But now, it's time I finally fulfill my promise to take care of you, so let me okay?"<p>

Stefan couldn't believe it. Did he really get his big brother back?  
>That's why he asked in an almost inaudible voice "Big brother…?" Only to see a gentle smile gracing Damon's face.<br>"Yes baby brother, I'm here." And he was smothered once more by his brother embrace, not that he minded.  
>Even if it was a dream, he didn't want it to end. <p>

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><p><strong>Damon POV:<strong>

The feeling of his little brother in his arms made him realize how much he missed all these years. He didn't know how they would get out of the whole mess that was their lives, but there was no way he was letting his little brother go again. Katherine and Elena would have to wait their turn, end of story. 

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><p>Please review !<p> 


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